Humbled By Your Light ~ Part I
By Justin G

Day One: Friday

The morning of July 27th 2007 I awoke after sleeping for only an hour or so. I had been troubled recently and found it difficult to sleep. The night before, I experienced a horrid nightmare that had been haunting me. The dream was symbolic of the increasing negativity that was occurring in my life and it was chaotically tormenting my mind.

Even as we made our way to Everett, Washington I was distressed and distant, lost within the pessimistic realm that existed within my every thought. I wasn’t really looking forward to the weekend my sister Jennifer and I had planned. We had tickets to see the author of "Embraced by the Light," Betty J. Eadie, and hear her speak about her near death experience and her spiritual message. I had recently joined her WAVEs fellowship, which stood for Warring Angel Volunteers on Earth. I was indifferent to the whole idea, numb to the concept of happiness and simply not tuned into anything positive. As we pulled up to the Everett Symphony building I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I had no idea that I had embarked on a journey of enlightenment that was going to awaken a part of my spirit that had been dormant for years.

I first came across Betty Eadie’s story seven or eight years earlier, when I saw her on tv. My mother and I were always interested in these types of stories and we were especially touched by Betty’s. Mom went out and purchased Betty’s book, "Embraced by the Light." After finishing it she was inspired by the message and encouraged me to read it. At this time I was not an avid reader of this type of material, so it was unusual for me to pick up this kind of book. But I did. From the very start I was captivated by Betty’s story and ultimately inspired by the positive spiritual message that it revealed. It left me with a sense of hope, which I hadn’t felt in a long time. Even though as the years passed the details of the book faded from my mind, the idea that God does not abandon his sinful children to suffer in a lake of fire, stayed with me. It gave me hope and helped fuel my quest for ultimate truth.

My sister Jennifer was the third in our family to read the book and she was moved enough by the message to attend the 10th anniversary celebration of the first publishing in 1992. Hundreds of people were present at the event and she was lucky enough to get a book personally autographed as well as a photograph taken with the author.

When we entered the Everett Symphony building we were expecting that the 2007 WAVEs gathering would be an event of this magnitude. As we made our way into the main conference room I saw only a handful of women. Betty was off to one side talking to one of the WAVE members. I thought to myself, "We are already an hour late and there are only a few people here." I was the only man and I felt awkward and out of place. Also, “With this small of group everyone is going to know that I have no idea what I’m doing here.” A feeling of fear washed over me and a phobia of social situations set in. I was not prepared and all I could do was grit my teeth and hope that I didn’t make a fool of myself.

At first I wouldn’t look at Betty, because I was scared of her. It was hard to get over the fact that she was famous. I had seen her on TV a few times, read her book and had heard about her for years. When I came here I thought I was attending a seminar. I didn’t expect to meet her. And so my awkwardness continued. The WAVE members gathered their chairs in a circle and began introducing themselves, starting with Betty. Each member had their own story to tell about their personal discovery of Betty’s book and how her message affected them. I suddenly had an episode of readers block and couldn’t recall the details of the book. It had been so many years since I read the book and so I was scrambling to separate in my mind the contents of the book from everything else I’ve read and learned. I was getting nervous because I knew I would have to tell some sort of story and I had nothing. I was so unprepared. In her opening comments, Betty made mention that some people thought the she had started a new age cult. I thought to myself, “Oh no, I’ve joined a cult.” I’m not the type of person to join a cult or any conformist control system, unless of course, it was by accident. We had an influential book and a charismatic leader. I had to be mindful. So as we began this WAVE meeting, I was open to the possibility that I had entered a realm that I might not have desired.

As each member went around the circle and talked about their experience I began to realize an important factor. Each person was an individual, with a background in spiritualism and religion that was their own. Many were disillusioned with mainstream religion for its promotion of condemnation, prejudice, hatred and conformity. I began to appreciate that this was a group of diverse soul searchers and open-minded individuals, looking for answers outside the confines of their specific religions. I felt this was not cult, for one there was no control system and secondly there was no conformity. I felt akin to these people. They were asking the same questions that I had been for years and receiving similar revelations. The important thing to me was the diversity in the group. From around the world we gathered. Many came from the states, some from Canada, and one person even flew in from Australia. Each had their own unique background and perspective, yet we shared commonalties, such as the drive to look beyond static thinking for the answers to the mystery of the universe. Only through diversity can we learn from each other. Conformity offers nothing new. I started to feel that this was the place I needed to be. This was what I was looking for to help me rebuild my shattered belief system.

I was elated that one of our members was gay and had received the acceptance here that she deserved. This was another sign that I was in the right place. This was an association based on acceptance, not prejudice. For far too long the great religions have shown people, especially gays, hatred and prejudice, telling them that God despises them, condemning this group to hell. These religions have done a terrific job of violating their own belief systems for the sake of prejudice. How can God hate anybody? I made up my mind a long time ago that when I die and approach the gates of heaven that I would refuse to enter without those who were cast away in prejudice. If gays are going to be cast away into hell, then it is there I must go, because I would not abandon my brothers and sisters. But now we have a more evolved understanding. God does not abandon any of his children and no one will be cast away. What Father casts his children into a lake of fire? The idea is unfathomable. Hell is just a fear-based control mechanism for a conformist social system.

As the WAVEs introduction meeting progressed, several men showed up. One was Betty’s son Tom. I said to myself, "Alright! Now I don’t have to feel so out of place." It was nice to know that my experience here was not going to completely feminize me. Actually I’m already a very deep, sensitive, emotional person who likes to talk about my feelings. I didn’t need anymore feminine traits.

Jennifer had her chance to speak about her own experience discovering Betty’s book and how it affected her life. She explained how my mother and I first discovered the book and went on to say that I had actually taken my mother’s place at the WAVEs gathering. I felt this left me with nothing to say.

I was next in turn to speak and I needed to explain what brought me here. I thought back two weeks earlier when I left my job, which actually opened up this opportunity for me. However, I was suffering from what I called "Captain Kirk Syndrome." It was in the movie Star Trek: Generations that the famous captain explained that he was plagued by this overwhelming feeling that he hadn’t made a difference in the world in a very long time. And in the true style of the hero’s journey he took up the challenge to make a difference one last time. This is how I felt. I hadn’t made a difference in a long time and I was searching for a way to live a more meaningful life.

When Jennifer passed her turn to me I thought about the last two years of my life and my struggle with the darkness that had engulfed me. I knew my story would be darker than everyone else’s. I had been spiritually vacant for a long time. I was always searching but never found that light to fill up the emptiness that caused me to yearn for completion. This was the story I was going share with Betty and this group of souls searchers.

I explained to the WAVEs that I had fallen into darkness a long time ago. I was surrounded by drugs, alcohol abuse and immorality. I needed to escape before this darkness swallowed me whole or drove me insane. I finally moved from Moses Lake to Spokane as a part of my new journey of self discovery. I positioned myself outside a very negative environment and was searching for a way to make a difference in the world.

My description of my journey was very vague and since I am naturally uncomfortable in social situations I kept my comments concise. There was so much more I could have said, but it was enough to enlighten everyone on where I stood in life. Betty then explained to me that letting go of the past and making the move out of this darkness was opening me up to a new experience. One must always let go of something to receive something new. Just as to learn something new might require letting go of something you thought was true. Letting go was part of the growing process and sometimes it’s a difficult challenge.

I had trouble focusing after my turn to speak was over. I was experiencing post speaking anxiety and also thinking about all the things I could have said to make my story clearer. Myra and Donna both talked about how inspired they were by me because I initiated this new journey in life. I was the newbie so I was referred to as the youngest. I was actually surprised that my short story, which I thought was dark and dreary, could have inspired anyone else. I felt that I wasn’t very clear and some of the members could have interpreted me as saying that I was a drug addict; When, in fact, I’ve never taken an illegal substance in my life.

When I was younger I stood out as an anomaly amongst my clique of friends and remained very non-conformist. In my life many, have tried to conform me, but I am very stubborn and strong. Religion tried to conform me, and failed. My Dad tried to conform me, and only distanced me. School peer pressure tried to conform me and I said, "If that’s the way you want it, I’ll have no friends at all." When I finally assembled a group of misfit\rejects as my friends, they to tried to conform me, but they finally grew tired of it and gave up. Even though I did not participate in the drug culture I had been severely affected by its negativity and had taken on many of its destructive attributes. By the end of 2006, I was 34, and tired of watching people I knew dive carelessly into the darkness, tired of the negativity and the immense stress that is was causing me. I finally made the move from Moses Lake to Spokane, separating myself from the world that I knew.

Now this new journey had led me to Everett, Washington where I was surrounded by the positive energy of Betty Eadie and the other WAVE members. By the end of the introduction meeting I was feeling much better than when I first arrived. Those negative ruminations that I had entering the Symphony building had faded and been replaced with a sense of wonderment and peace. I felt energy in the room, a connection between me and the other members. Somehow I belonged even though my life experience was so different. I’m not used to belonging or being a part of, I just seem to lurk somewhere in the background of other people’s lives.

It was about nine o’clock when we broke for dinner. My sister and I were able to visit with some of the other members during dinner. Even through I was still in a state of awe about what I had gotten myself into, I was feeling uplifted and warm, ready to return to the circle.

A prayer circle was formed somewhere around ten thirty that night. The objective was for all of us to pray for those WAVE members that hadn’t made it to the gathering and had requested that we pray for them. So we stood in a circle around four chairs. Those four chairs would be filled with four members that would represent those who could not attend. Betty led us through each prayer and each person who felt the desire to pray for that individual had their chance. When the prayers were finished for those four members, four more names were read and four sit-ins took their place in the circle. It was a chance to focus our positive energy on those who were in need. Not only was it spiritually uplifting, but good for the psyche. It allowed us to leave our own problems behind and attend to someone else in need, which helps us to heal our own souls.

It was after midnight before we concluded the prayer circle and disbanded for the night. Jennifer and I returned to the hotel where we were staying for the duration of the gathering. Betty and most of the other members were also staying at the same hotel. Before Jennifer and I stepped into the elevator to be lifted to the seventh floor we saw Betty and Donna sitting next to the waterfall in the main lobby. I didn’t say anything because I still thought of her as this famous person that probably wouldn’t want to talk to me. Also I didn’t want to bother her outside the event. I didn’t know if that was proper. When Jennifer and I came back down dressed to enter the swimming pool, Betty and Donna waved at us and told us to have a good time. We waved back and said we would. I began to realize that it was alright to associate with everyone at the hotel. I wasn’t sure about all the rules and I was still in awe in the fact that I was even here. I had one hour of sleep the night before and hadn’t a minute during the day to process the reality of it all.

In the hot tub Jennifer and I finally had a real chance to talk about the day’s event and how unexpectedly personal it was. I started the day feeling indifferent and now there was such a positive energy within me. There was no condemnation, prejudice or conformity, just diversity and love here. The whole idea of the WAVEs was to create a ripple effect of positive spiritual energy and I was definitely caught up in the ripple. I was waking up to a side of me that had been dormant for so long that I couldn’t even remember the last time I prayed. I didn’t pray because I couldn’t feel the sprit of the one for which I was praying to and this group of people helped me reconnect. Their positive energy gave me something that I was missing. Something that was lost when my belief system collapsed.